Throughout the state of Florida Shakespearean literature readings have disappeared from english classrooms of all ages. This has led many to ask the ultimate question: who kidnapped William Shakespeare?

   Without haste, police suspicion has turned their focus to Florida Governor Ron Desantis. Thou hell-hated boar likely targeted Shakespeare and his works as part of his “Don’t Say Gay” bill despite Shakespeare coming from one of the most homophobic periods of time imaginable. Accusers have claimed, “Thou hast no more brain in thy skull than I have in mine elbows.” 

    Concerns have only risen after a public school was burnt to the ground when a copy of Shakespeare’s “The Comedy of Errors” was found in its library. Temperatures were believed to have reached 451 degrees fahrenheit.

   It is believed that the kidnapping happened now, 407 years after Shakespeare’s death, because officials from the Department of Education have just now realized that many foreign-sounding phrases from his plays were old male insults. They have also come to the realization that beloved love icons Romeo and Juliet were only 14 and only knew each other for two days. These revelations come thanks to the power of Cliff Notes.